Chris's POV: William's Birth

**I just want to warn you guys, Chris is WAY better at describing emotions and feelings. This re-telling is not for the faint of heart. As he said, "If this doesn't make you cry, you don't have a soul." It's pretty heart-wrenching. Read at your own risk.**

Alright. So, I’m hoping to pick up from where McKell left off with this - The Day of William’s Birth.

So, from my point of view, McKell was in the middle of delivery and William’s numbers were dropping on his little monitors and I could tell that the doctor was getting worried. He called in some NICU people to be on call. We had been seeing William’s head for a while but then he just got stuck and wasn’t really moving. The doctor pulled out the vacuum and right before he was going to try use that on William to pull him out, he [William] popped out which was exciting because we were getting worried that he was sitting in there so long. The doctor had to drop the vacuum and just catch him basically, but William was completely limp. He came out and I saw his little mouth open and there was a tiny little gasp. The doctor commented about how slippery he was. He was blue and didn’t breathe, didn’t cry, and didn’t move.

William's Birth Card shows his APGAR scores:
2 at one minute and 5 at five minutes.
(Any score lower than a 7 is a sign that the baby
needs medical attention.)

The doctor fumbled and finally got William’s umbilical cord cut and then passed him off quickly to the NICU respiratory doctors and they went to work on him. So, I just kind of stood there next to McKell and as the doctor finished up with McKell’s labor and stitched her up and I remember them mentioning all the numbers of how William looked and how well he is responding (APGAR Score) and he was getting low scores for everything for what felt like forever. It was at least four minutes of no breathing at all, they were just pumping oxygen into him, trying to get him to do something. He started receiving oxygen and wiggled a little bit, but wasn’t really doing much. So about eight minutes later, or a lifetime later, he finally cried out and that was the biggest sigh of relief because I was thinking,

“Alright, he’s crying, awesome. He’ll get through this, he’ll be fine, they’re gonna let us hold him and it’ll be great.”

They wrapped him up and they gave him to mom and he already had a little tube going down his throat. They gave him to McKell and he was crying. McKell gave him a little kiss and said hi to him and then the NICU doctors said, “Alright, we have to take him.” So, they took him back and put him in the little tub, the little baby NICU beds that have the plastic covers and they said,

“Dad, you need to come with us, because mom has to stay here.”

And so, I kind of looked back and McKell just said, “Okay.” And Bunny said, “I’ll stay with her.” And I was like okay, this is more serious than I thought, so I walk out of the delivery room and I feel like I’m abandoning my wife because you know: 1) she can’t hold her baby and 2) her husband is leaving, so I feel terrible because I want to comfort her but I was so worried about William. We walk down the hall, get to the NICU, they put him in the little NICU “room”, and they tell me,

“You have to stay ten feet away from him because we have to do some procedures on him.”

And that scares me of course and makes me feel horrible because at this point William is crying. His lungs are starting to work and he’s crying out but it’s the saddest little cry ever – it was breaking my heart listening to him crying. They have the head doctor come over to me and he explains that because of his [William’s] condition - not having blood flow for such a long time, not having oxygen to replenish his blood stream, and just the trauma of his birth - that he was at a severe risk for brain damage. That he possibly had heart damage as well, and acidic blood and that they needed to operate immediately or he wouldn’t make it. And so, after all this - nine months of waiting around for him and getting excited to be a dad - the first thing that happens is, you know, I might lose him.

I told the doctor, “Just do whatever you have to do.” They explained to me the cooling treatment they were going to put him on. They were going to keep him in a cold blanket which when they told me this, I thought, “That sounds horrible. You don’t want to make a baby cold! That’s just the cruelest punishment I could think of.” But that it would slow down his metabolism and give his organs time to take a break so that his heart and his brain could recover at a good pace. That he could have a better chance at recovering. And you know, these words that they kept using: “have a better chance”, that he could “have more time”, things like that were scaring me because I was thinking, “What if we do all this and he still not make it?” And for the first while, it depended on William. Was he going to make it?

There's a baby in there... somewhere.

I sat there and watched as he cried. There were nurses and a few doctors holding his arms and legs down as they put tubes into his umbilical cord, attached sensors all over his body, put a thermometer down his throat, put wires and little needles into his head, put the CPAP up his nose, and wrapped him in this blanket that pumped cold water from a refrigerator through it to make sure his temperature stayed cold. And I sat there for what felt like forever, I was sitting in the chair, watching this from a distance and not being able to be there for him. The most I could do was just support him from a distance and pray for him. During this, I’m trying to stay strong and be optimistic, but I’m pessimistic at heart so I’m having this inner battle with myself just trying to stay positive and fearing the worst.

And they finally finish and they say, “okay dad, you can come over.” I go over and at this point they’ve started to sedate him because he’s going to be sedated on this treatment so he forgets that he was cold and uncomfortable and unable to nurse or interact with anyone really. And I just stood there and looked at him. I remember staring at his head and staring at his little face just covered in all this equipment, seeing his curly hair all messed up and I have this crazy feeling just like “This is my child and I love him.” And I don’t know if dads really hit that at that point, but I just couldn’t not care about him. He was my son and I was terrified for him and I didn’t want to lose him.

William has quite the grip.

A nurse said that I could hold his hand and have him grab my finger. So, I put my finger by his hand and - this is when I couldn’t really contain myself - he grabbed on to my finger and his fingertips were white because he was squeezing so hard. He was just softly crying because he didn’t know what else to do and I’m sure he was uncomfortable and in shock from everything that happened. I just kind of held on to his fingers and sat there. I just tried to talk to him and let him know that he would be okay and that we were watching out for him and that he would get to see mom soon. Then I just cried and couldn’t believe that all of this was happening. I was so worried for him.

And so, I don’t remember how long it was, but after a while, they brought McKell into the NICU so she could see him. They pulled the curtains around us so we could have a private moment and we both just kind of held on to his little hands and just sat there and looked at him. And honestly, I just felt defeated. I didn’t know how I was going to overcome this and be able to stay strong because my wife had just gone through this really painful process and now she’s like, “Was it all for nothing? Is he going to be gone, do I not get to enjoy him in this life?”. We just sat there for hours I think, just staring at him, wishing we could hold him and wishing things were different.

This shows all the machines that were in the "room" constantly monitoring our baby. It was hard to get near him because there were so many cords and wires surrounding his bed.

Then grandma (Bunny) wanted to come see him so I decided to go back to the room where McKell was staying. I just went back there and I prayed and I cried, that’s all I did. And by some miracle, after everything, William made an amazing recovery and McKell will tell you guys more about it. But that was kind of my experience with the first moments of William’s life and my first moments being a dad, really. And I know that our family has been through a lot and we’ve been prepared for a lot, I’m just grateful that we’ve had the blessing of seeing him recover and being able to be with him. It was really the only thing that would make that situation better, is knowing that he would grow up and that we could be with him and that I could be his dad.

Yeah, that’s pretty much it.